When You Stop Waiting on God
February of 2015 was a month of my lowest lows in every way. My business had been open approximately 2 months, and the new client rush was beginning to wear off. Panic set in, numbers were shaky, and I realized that I wasn't going to be one of those people who had instant success from day 1. More than that, it was the month that I really began doubting God. I can vividly remember sitting at my desk in our two-bedroom apartment in Colorado Springs, crying over all the things in my life that I felt like had changed too quickly and without warning. I had been in Colorado for over 7 months by that point, but the thought of a future here felt lonely beyond compare, even though we had made our choice to root down. In hindsight, I realize that much of my dissatisfaction was because I refused to wait on God once I felt like He had had enough time to make things right. Apparently, seven months was my breaking point. Anxiety was replaced by a strong sadness and resolution that things would never be as good in Colorado as they were in Nashville. Things would never feel like "home", and I'd never experience the same joy in knowing I was living my purpose. Rather than waiting on God, I chose to give up on His promises.
Thankfully, He didn't give up on me. In a roundabout way, Ross and I have learned the things (and are still learning) that we really need to focus on to strengthen our marriage and live a full life. We've been given friends in unlikely places who have reminded us why community is so important. Certain goals have been met and others have pivoted, but overall, I think we've both realized that perspective, not circumstance, is the key to moving forward.
So many things have changed in the last 12 months, and yet, I've found myself mentally cringing at the thought of February 2016. I've been convinced that it will definitely be another tough month in business, snow will absolutely prevent me from getting to the studio every day, and life will feel unstable. But, you know what? None of those things have happened (with the exception of occasional snow). In fact, I've hit some business milestones this month, enjoyed hanging out with new friends, and felt more "settled" than I've felt in a long time. Patterns don't always repeat themselves.
I'm not trying to imply that everything in life has become perfect in a year because that's very far from true. However, I've learned that, in waiting for the things you want, God often uses that time to provide the things you really need. Isaiah 30:18 says, "Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him."
Seven months may have been my breaking point, but breaking down didn't accomplish anything positive. To be honest, it has taken a year and a half to feel good in Colorado on a day to day basis and rejoice in the blessings that I have here. That's embarrassing to admit because I know that was my decision. I chose to give up; I chose to wallow. Life doesn't run on our timeline, and sometimes circumstances are out of our control for an indefinite period of time. The beautiful fact is that you get to choose joy over wallowing because we have a God who has told us not to lean on our own understanding. The end result isn't about fixing your problems, it's about changing the posture of your heart, even if circumstances don't change. I may have had to learn that lesson the hard way, but my hope is that this reminder saves someone else from the waste that is giving up.
When you stop waiting on God, He doesn't stop working on you.